Animated Personality

Thanks to the fine folks at Megaman Outpost, an episode of the American Mega Man cartoon is available for download. Naturally, this excited me. I remember getting up at 6 in the morning for the sole purpose of watching that show. As the 45-meg download trickled along, I was nostalgic, hoping that the show would remind me exactly why I got up early on Saturday mornings. After watching it, though, I can only conclude that I must have been a big fan of lead paint, as well. The show is just so laughably bad that it hurts. I'll save you the long download by giving you a synopsis. I can't promise that it will be any good, but you know what they say, a humorist is only as good as his material. Or not. Just read. Let's start with the opening, which is usually where you'd begin anyway. Now, the animation here is pretty good, actually. It shows Mega Man being put together originally, and shows what he looks like under the armor. There's lots of little motors and metallic gizmos and wires. This is very cool.

And a little scary.

Still, all in all, the intro promises several good things, what with the epic blaster battle between Mega Man and Proto Man, and the nice shots of Light, Wily, and Roll, all set to some of the worst theme music ever. Then the episode title shows up, "The Mega Man In The Moon" -- a pun that awful assures that ill doings are afoot. And only seconds later, our suspicions are confirmed.

Obviously, that girl is talking to Mega Man. But look at Dr. Light. Sure, it appears that he's acknowledging her speaking about her father being a shuttle captain. But look closer, into those eyes, and there's something eerie there. Something not kosher, something odd. A sort of lust-filled gaze, inspired by Light's perversion. Or maybe it's just drawn awkwardly. Hey, if Jerry Falwell can do it, why can't I?

So, basically, this girl's dad is the shuttle captain on a flight to the moon. Fair enough. Mega Man, Roll, Rush, and Light are all there as well. Fair enough, though no explanation is given as to why. I mean, do they just like rockets or what? She is apparently friendly with them. No explanation is given to why she is friends with Mega Man and crew, but again, this is a kid's cartoon.

Of course, Wily's robots have to come in and muck things up. They do this with incredible aptitude, and even more incredibly awful puns, like this little gem from Cut Man. Mega Man decides to go investigate, as the girl's (I am not sure if she even has a name) dad is acting suspicious. Of course, he finds that Wily, along with Proto Man (huh?), Cut Man, Guts Man, and Crystal Man are plotting something on the moon. Naturally.

I am not sure why Proto Man is a villain in this cartoon. Perhaps the writers needed an evil sibling figure to balance out the boy scout nature of Mega Man, or perhaps they've never played the damn games. I am more inclined to believe that it is the latter, because the former requires a degree of psychological acuity and intelligence that this show quite simply is not capable of.

By the way, has Mega Man been working out, or what?

Anyway, the bad guys escape, and Mega Man gets some sort of jetpack to fly to some sort of space station, or something. There he gets into an altercation with the Robot Masters, who hold that one girl hostage, or something, and he backs off and flies back to some other place like a total moron. We then find out that Dr. Wily wants some sort of laser lens for a gigantic laser cannon he has built to hold the world hostage for ONE MEEEELLLION DOLLARS.

Sorry, that will be the last Austin Powers joke for this column.

So, anyway, Wily names this cannon the Alan Parsons Project...

OK, I promise, that was the last one, I swear. Anyway, he invades the base to find the lens, and does so. Mega Man shows up a little too late, and is informed that a bomb is placed on the base. I think. I realize that my summary is jumping around a lot here, but I frankly could not care less. Anyway, he sends for Rush and Roll to come up and help him find the bomb. Or they're sent, anyway. Of course, Rush gets "space-sick" on the way there and is temporarily unable to do his job, with twenty or so seconds left until the bomb goes off.

Never mind that Rush is a robot dog, with no digestive system and no nervous system designed to invoke feelings of nausea. He is here simply to be Scooby-Doo-esque comic relief. That's what the kids are into nowadays, I hear. So, anyway, with ten seconds left, Rush finally finds the bomb. The only problem is that he does this in much longer than ten seconds. And then Mega Man hucks it out into space, where it explodes. Did the bomb want to do this? Probably not, but bombs in television and movies have a lousy union.

So anyway, Wily and goons have made their way to the lunar base by now, bringing along their trademark lousy dialogue with them. Cut Man makes this poetic little comment after knocking a satellite dish onto some cybernetic soldiers. I know Cut Man and the rest are just robots, but even the one in Short Circuit had some range. Wily takes the lens and attaches it to the laser, deciding now is the time to make the prerequisite villain ultimatum to the United Nations, headed up by Rainier Wolfcastle. Meeting with refusal, he fires into... get this... a lake. Whoopty doo. He then threatens to fire at cities next. I am sure this paralyzes the U.N. with fear. Also, laughter.

So, Mega Man and crew arrive on the moon. Megaman flies in on his jet pack and is shot out of the sky. Wily commands Roll and the one girl to land their space shuttle, which they do. Cut Man and Guts Man attempt to thwart them by advancing on them with the terrifying battle cry of "Let's take some prisoners!" Roll tells the girl to run along, and she can take care of this. The robots let the girl by for no apparent reason and go after Roll, only to be held back by... her HAIR DRYER. I swear I am not making this up.

Luckily, Proto Man comes by and stops this idiocy. Then, some stuff happens, and Light tells Mega Man that he can recalibrate a satellite nearby to reflect the laser blast back at Wily, blowing up the cannon. He runs to the satellite control room to do just that, but Guts Man and Cut Man chase after him. Guts Man starts pounding down the door, and Mega Man decides to stop him the only way he can. With metal bars.

I would like to take this time to point out that Guts Man is a robotic war machine capable of smashing tanks like aluminum soda can, and he is getting stopped by a few steel rods. Thank you.

Some other stuff happens, I think Mega Man fought Crystal Man and won somewhere along there, probably before he recalibrated the satellite, but he does that, Wily fires the laser, and it reflects back, destroying the cannon. Wily, Guts Man, Cut Man, and Proto Man all escape. Mega Man just lets them. And that's pretty much it.

There were several times I thought this might be a decent cartoon, if the Robot Masters didn't talk like surfers using words like "dude", "bro", and "sis", if Rush wasn't so stupid, if Mega Man wasn't such a putz, if they had actually named the girl, if the theme song hadn't been so obnoxious, if the writers had put one millisecond of thought into it, you know, it might have been OK. Even so, I can't say I completely hate this show, because it is Mega Man, and if they post another 40-meg episode, I will download it, because I am a Mega Man fan, and my motto is "Baaaa".

- DarkMoogle, who isn't sure he'd like the idea of a Legends anime after this little trip down memory lane

P.S. - Next week is another reader mailbag week. Send me anything. What you did on Love and Peace Day, what you think about what happened on September 11, what you'd like to see in Mega Man X6, cash... just about anything your deranged little minds can come up with, I'll most likely print. I expect some good stuff from my little Fiber junkies, so make me proud.

A Marriage Wrought In The Fires of Whatever

(Plus DM's Ultimatum) By now you've no doubt heard the news of the amazing merger b'twixt Mega Man Network and Megaman Outpost. I'm going to set the record straight here, just to make sure there are no more wild rumors.

First off, the merger did not come about as a result of an illicit tryst between Slash and Reeve. Yes, there was an illicit tryst, but very little business was discussed (actually, very few words were spoken at all).

Secondly, there's been some rumor that the merger is just a legitimate front for a underground drug trafficking ring. Nothing could be further from the truth, actually. We're dealing in counterfeit Yu-Gi-Oh! cards. Huge market. Bob's your uncle.

Thirdly and finally, yes, I am disgustingly, irrevocably sexy. I know the rumor's been floating around out there for a while, but I figured that the brave thing to do would be to step out and openly admit to the world that I really am ridiculously attractive. While I'm at it, I suppose I should fess up to being a witty, brilliant genius. I only hope that society can accept me for what I am.[1]

OK. Now that the rumors have been settled, let's get down to what you can expect from the Network/Outpost merger. First off, all of the content from both sites will be married into one gigantic conglomerate of stuff. Basically, if there was something you wanted to see on the Network site, it will be there, along with a bunch of stuff from the Outpost site. For example, if you wanted some Metal Shark Player concept art, more than likely, you'd be able to find it on the new site. If you wanted a walkthrough for Mega Man 4, guess what? It'll be on the site. If you want Iris x Alia yuri? That won't be on the site, but you can click here if you want some. Basically, you'll get everything that the two sites provided and then some.

Another new feature of the site will be our renewed desire to be as completely, stupidly, excessively comprehensive as is humanly possible. To this end, we have extensively scoured the wretched hive of scum and villainy that is Fanfiction.net for anything pertaining to the Mega Man series, so we can work it into our summaries and analyses. Some may argue that fanfiction is stupid and does not fit into the Mega Man canon, but we at Mega Man Network must take issue with that judgment. Besides, going through all that awful writing is making Reeve yell at things that aren't there and eat glass (he claims it tastes like chicken). I should probably intervene to protect my friend's sanity, but I've made thirty bucks so far on betting what he will and won't eat (so far, Heineken bottles and garbage cans have been his favorites; Slash thinks he can get him to eat a slug, I'm not so certain), so I'm not about to give up this little source of entertainment. I bet if he really starts to go over the edge, we can get some table dances.

So I hope you see that this merger will be a fantastic opportunity for all Mega Man fans to continue being what they are.[2]

Now, I'd like to address you guys personally for a moment, humor columnist-to-...uh...you. I realize that I've been busy eating sushi off of the taut, toned stomachs of countless beautiful Asian women, and as such have not had the chance to write anything that might be construed as a Fiber column. Sure, Reeve calls it "finding a fill-in" for when I'm "too busy". But I see the writing on the wall! I know this is just a clever attempt to oust me and infuse new creative blood into this institution I have created!

Well, the hell if I'm going to let him do that! I'm laying down the law right here and right now. I'm not going to let someone just take over what I've created! There's nobody he could hire that could outfunny me on the funniest day of their life if they had an electrified funny machine! Yeah, I'll grant that I haven't been keeping up with things the way I should. But come on, people! That sushi isn't going to eat itself! And you have to see the looks on those girls' faces when "Moogle-san ^________^" doesn't show up for lunch. It'll break your heart.

Plus, there just hasn't been a lot going on in the Mega Man world as of late. With no new material, I'm forced to drag old jokes through the mud until they're gasping and decrepit, and that's when I hit them in the head with a hammer. I just can't bring myself to do that every week, which is why recent installments of Fiber have been so few and far between. Well, that, and the aforementioned Asian girls, but largely it's been due to the lack that there's not really a lot of new jokes I can make. Also, there's not a lot of new Mega Man games on the horizon. Until we know more about Mega Man X7 and the Battle Network sequels coming out, it's kind of hard to crack jokes about them without resorting to the aforementioned half-dead running gags.

So, yes, I know that Fiber has been a barren wasteland as of late, and I apologize for that. But, quite frankly, you get what you pay for. I mean, if you all sent me a thousand-dollar check, I would probably be able to churn out the finest humor column ever...daily, even. Hell, I could probably work out something every hour or so.

Not to say that I'm completely bereft of new ideas. For example, I just got this one:

===

Since Capcom is never entirely sure as to whether Reploids are robots or humans, this begs the question: are there Reploid children? Logically, we can assume so, since some Reploids are built to be older, or at least look older. Following that flow of thought, we can assume that some Reploids are built to be childlike. Ignoring the possibility of pedophiliac engineers (that's Xenosaga's territory), one must wonder that if there are Reploid children, are there Reploid parents? And if so, are there parenting magazines available for them? I'd imagine they'd read like the tech section of Computer Gaming World:

My son is having difficulty concentrating in school. What do you recommend to help him?

Sounds like the problem is a memory issue. If your son is running on anything less than 512 MB of RAM, lockups can occur, which would explain his behavior. I recommend adding another 256 MB of DDRAM to whatever he's got now. If that doesn't work, you might be better off buying a new son.

I'm having difficulty weaning my child off of the breast and onto the bottle. What do you suggest?

You might need to upgrade your kids' motherboard. If his mobo is outdated, software and hardware conflicts can be expected. You should be able to find something reasonable on Pricewatch.com, but don't be afraid to spend a little extra for a high-end model, to make the teenage years a little easier on the both of you.

I'm worried about my daughter. Her grades have fallen drastically, she's dressing in black and smoking, and she's writing really bad poetry about the dark void that is her life. I'm at the end of my rope. Help me!

It sounds like your daughter is suffering from severe hardware conflicts. Perhaps a hard reboot is in order. I hear that the Hunters' Re-Education programs are excellent. Most kids love it so much that they never come back, and there's no dropout rate!

===

So that's why updates have been slow. I imagine when more information is known about X7 and Mega Man news in general picks up (or at least gets more interesting), you can expect more regular (har) Fiber updates. If you want a nonstop fountain of comedy, though, send Reeve your bad Mega Man fanfiction. He really loves Dragon Ball Z crossovers. Trust me, it's good for endless amounts of hilarity - heck, probably more than I could ever provide. It's amazing how funny desperate insanity can be when it's not you who's dancing on tables.

-DarkMoogle, WHO IS ALL THAT IS MAN!

1. ↑ Really, really good looking 2. ↑ You don't want me to finish this sentence.